Friday, September 22, 2006

A few rules that I live by..

Hey, I'm a pretty simple guy, a dude who just wants a couple of hot meals mixed in with a few fleeting moments of climax via Internet filth. Since I'm a hypocrite of "I'd never fuck Mariah Carey, I'd fold her loony ass up like origami!" proportions, I usually reject trying to live up to any personal code of conduct. There I go being a hypocrite again, I actually do live by my own personal "code" so to speak. Here are a few of my rules..

1. I Never Date a Woman who has wild animals as pets:
Maybe I'm alone here, but every time I have dated a chick who had a python, or some dangerous animal that shouldn't be domesticated as a pet, she has wound up being nuttier than squirrel turds. Besides having a mental disorder, most of the times these chicks have the wildest sexual appetites imaginable. Listen, I'm all for my lady dressing in a catholic school uniform, me fucking her while I'm in a pope's robe, and possibly later on me eating mac and cheese off of her backside, I can get freaky with the rest of them. But that's tame compared to the "Hey, let me blow you on a roller-coaster-I want you to wear a diaper so I can literally breast feed you-let me take a steaming dump on you chest" request you get from these broads.

2. I can't trust a man who doesn't like sports: I'm not saying that a dude has to be into the major sports or anything, but at least like A sport. I don't know what it is, but if a heterosexual man openly admits like he's giving the "I have a Dream" speech that he doesn't like sports, I feel that that bastard isn't to be trusted. At least like tennis, bowling, I might give your sorry ass a pass even if you say that you are a curling aficionado.

3. I am a firm believer in snitching: Granted, if you are involved in a robbery and you are the only on that got caught, I don't believe in snitching in that case. But all other cases I believe in snitching the same way Rakim believes in his microphone, the same way Karl Rove believes in smearing people, the same way that Karin Steffans believes in cock. Let me tell you something, I'm not supposed to go to the police if I witness someone getting killed because it goes against some fucking code of conduct?? Man, fuck you!! I don't believe in snitching on my friends, but if I didn't do anything wrong and I have jail time hanging over my head based on something my boy did, I'm telling like a motherfucker. Imagine me sitting in jail based on something I didn't do, eating horrible meals and hoping that a fellow inmate named "Tiny" doesn't decide to ram his cock into my prostate because I didn't want to be considered a "snitch". Again, fuck you!

4. I Never date a woman who has bad kids: Ladies, I know that many of you have kids and men who you date should be understanding of that. But ladies, I don't need to understand your kid having the mark of the best on the back of his head, tearing up shit and acting like a complete animal based on your sub-par parenting skills. Not only do I discontinue the possibility of a relationship because the woman's kids should be in a padded room somewhere, but I know me, and if I'd stayed I'd probably end up saying something that I regret like "You need to put these crumb-snatching bastards on a leash!!", "Jesus, these kids are the poster-children for abortions!", or "Whap!".(Ok, thats not a word but the sound of my hand across their behinds.)

5. If someone says they like a wack rapper, I never trust anything they ever fucking say again!: Its the truth, tell me in confidence that you like the verbal stylings of Paul Wall or some other garden variety handicapped lyricist, and I won't listen to anything you say.. Ever. I'm serious, if I had what I thought was an incurable disease and you tried to explain to me that you had the antidote, you would just sound like Charlie Brown's teacher to me.

6. I never date a woman with bad taste in music or film:
Since I'm a music and film snob, I try to find out what a woman's tastes are immediately. It's horrible and I know I'm probably leaving a lot of women in the cold, but you have to believe that I'm doing those women a service. See, if I decided to get with a woman who liked 3-Six mafia or Young Jeezy, I'm pretty sure things would go alright between us for a while. But I'm sure that one day I would find myself in an abandoned parking lot some where, meeting some stranger and paying him an extremely large amount of money to perform a hit for me.

7. I never fight midgets or the handicapped..anymore: It's true, once upon a time I had no problem punching motherfuckers regardless if they were in a wheel chair, mentally slow, even if they were vertically challenged. But now I see the error in my ways and from this point forward I plan to fight people who are my size, and who are of sound mind and body. Plus, I can't get over the embarrassment of drunkenly fighting a midget one night that talked shit to me, and some lady screaming "Why don't you fight someone your own size!!", so I got on my knees and whipped that midgets ass!

8. I never go down on a chick who keeps a messy house: I'm not the neatest person in the world but let me explain. This might sound silly, but I don't date a woman who has a messy house because if she keeps her living quarters in such disarray, image the sad state of affairs she keeps her vagina. I'm just saying.


J.MOORE said...

I feel you on the sports thing, I wrote somethin along those lines a few months ago about things every man need.

A Favorite Team
Nothing is more suspect than a man that never has a rooting interest when the post season rolls around. It is OK to not have one in every sport, because every sport does not appeal to every man. Sometimes you have to use the hometown default rule. I give less than a damn about the NHL, but I'm from St. Louis hence my favorite team is the St. Louis Blues. This does not apply to Soccer. Look we live in America, having a favorite soccer team is almost more suspect than having no favorite team at all.

Anonymous said...

I definitely agree with that wild pet idea. First off, I hate snakes. So I am not messing with a chick who has one as a pet. I also found out that women who like all these exotic pets have some fetishes I just cant get down with.

I never met a man who did not like at least one sport.

Bk_red said...

ok, i am offended by that comment about soccer (not REALLY). i wrote a blog once about how i don't get why americans have no appreciation for the sport when everyone else around the world does. but that's a whole other issue... i could never get with a guy who didn't have some interest in sports. that's just... abnormal to me.

acolyte said...

At last!Someone who doesn't believe in all that "stop snitching, stop lying crap." This doesn't mean that I go running to the cops daily but copping the time for someone else who may still do the same crime later on and get caught doesnt make any sense at all.
As for women with bad kids, that's a no brainer!But you would be amazed what some guys would go through to get some!
Your last point is soooo on point!

ManNMotion said...

Um...that entry way looks familiar?

Anonymous said...

I'm totally with you on the "stop snitching" topic. It's stupidity and ignorance. I'm not burnin' in hell or any other place for that matter because of someone else's ghettofied actions. Folks better be glad I don't see things cuz I'm tellin'! Then I'm going to cash my reward check and pay off a few bills!

Also, on the music tip, I'm with you again. When someone tells me they like more than half the singers and rappers out right now...I have to literally leave the room. There is nothing else to discuss. I see where their mental state is based on their music taste. Later for that.

jameil1922 said...

o.m.g!! you got on your knees to FIGHT a midget!!! hilarious.

Brother OMi said...

i don't like sports.. what?

well i like UFC and boxing. but not sports..