Friday, September 08, 2006

In my opinion, most porn flicks need an editor..

I know that I shouldn't "Ebert" pornography because it only serves one purpose, and that is so undersexed guys like myself can beat my dick like it had an expiration date on it to women who probably wouldn't let me sniff their undergarments unless I had a couple of Benjamin Franklin's that were burning a hole in my pocket. But I feel that my lengthy tenure of being a sexual deviant, and a man who owns a library full of the most disgusting triple penetration erotica to the point where when the doors open up all you hear is an angelica "Ahhhh" sound, I feel that I have become an authority when it comes to chicks getting filled out like an application on film. Shit man, I treat porn stars with the same affection that a kid has for his/her favorite baseball player, I can rattle off her measurements, her hometown, her real name, how she once vowed to never do anal again, and a slew of otherwise useless information that makes me seem like some sort of dreadlocked "Rain Man". But the same way I deeply love Hip Hop but can also criticize the fake shit masquerading itself as such nowadays, I can also breakdown the many ways that pornography can improve myself. It just seems to me, based on the fact that all porn companies have to do is show 1-14 people screwing on film, that there is way too much extra going on. Pornography needs and editor, so here are some suggestions..

Get rid of the back-story: When I'm reading a book with some pretty complex characters I want a back-story, when I'm watching a movie getting a part of a certain character's back-story helps you understand some of their actions a little better, but is a back-story really needed when the only thing I want to see is random thrusting and the money shot? Really, do we really need to see the same regurgitated themes in porn where two douche-bags just "happen" to meet a beautiful girl at the grocery store, the "watching paint dry" themes where a woman old enough to be a guy's mother happens to seduce him where the end result is her getting folded up like origami on a futon? The delivery boy theme, the one where the guy catches his girl having sex with another guy-is outraged for a minute-then decides to join in and fill the women in question from both ends like a pair of Chinese fingercuffs?? Enough already!! If I want to witness bad writing I'll just watch a Tyler Perry movie for Christs sake, and if I want to see two people awkwardly trying to segue their conversation into a penetration fest I'll just film one of my own dates and watch it at a later date.

Cameraman, shut the fuck up!!: Maybe this has a little something to do with me being single right now but I hate it when someone barks directions at me, even if it is a lover while I'm partaking in some good old fashioned oral reciprocity, because I usually bat her hand away and scream "Shut up, I know what I'm doing!!!' That being said, have you ever watched a porn flick where the cameraman just goes Chatty fucking Cathy on everybody. Besides the fact that it's increasingly difficult to "rub one out" to a man's voice, hearing constant suggestions makes you want to find that miserable son of a bitch and make him bite a curb, "American History X" style.

Save the booty-shaking for the runway: I love going to the strip club as much as the next guy, getting drunk, placing folded up one dollar bills in hopes that the woman in question will pick it up with her buttcheeks, and possibly hearing her give you the "I'm only doing this to get through college" routine, I'm down for that. But just like my real life encounters with women deranged enough to let me sleep with them, I don't want any "I'm trying to be sexy, so watch me shake my ass for a few minutes" routine when I'm only interested in getting intimately acquainted with your small intestines. This is a common occurrence in many porn flicks today, which I guess some people enjoy, but like black folks watching a horror movie I find myself yelling at the screen on some "Get your ass down from that fucking counter top!!" shit..

The pre-coitus interview: This is another waste of time, asking questions to a young lady where 98% of her responses are nothing but a pack of lies. Women who you have been watching since you were in High School will claim that she is 18 when asked her age, they all lost their virginity at an age where the man she was with should be thrown under the god-damned jail, the claim that she has never done a certain sexual act until THAT video even though you have a library of porn debunking her felonious claims, and a slew of other shit that has you multitasking between self gratification and the fast forward button.

Get rid off all 70's black porn: There is some decent black porn that came out the decade that I was born, but for the most part a great deal of it was horrible. For one thing it seemed like they weren't choosy when it came to the actors they used, I always felt like the director went to certain black clubs on a random Friday night and screamed "Who wants to fuck on film???" The men always looked like they could be found preaching a sermon in some southern church somewhere, beer belly's and processed hair as far as the eye could see. They had some hot women for the most part, but I'm sure the mixture of jheri-curl juice and sweat was rather uncomfortable when entering certain exposed orifices. Lastly, I'm not a stickler when it comes to a woman being shaved, but some of those chicks had so much hair down there you could have shaved it off and donated it to cancer kids. Not for nothing, but when I'm having sex I don't want to juggle my desire to have sex with her with my sudden urge to dread her pubic hairs.

11 comments:

Reese The Law Girl said...

Not for nothing, but when I'm having sex I don't want to juggle my desire to have sex with her with my sudden urge to dread her pubic hairs.


Ewwwwwww...


Just...ewwwww...


On everything else, I'll take your word for it. I hope one day there will be a porno that rises (no pun intended) to your standards.


PS: Ewwwwwww....

Justin said...

One other thing. I hate when they cut to a closeup of the dude's expression, or when the dude talks or makes noise. Totally kills it.

CaffeineDiva said...

How about switching to all girl porn.. no male voice, just chicks moaning at unrealistic levels?
Have you considered it's your ADD like tendencies that are truly in need of editing? Just a thought.

Ken said...

Too funny man..

The Humanity Critic said...

@ Resse: I know, I know, I'm a perv..lol

@ Justin: The dude's expression is quite distracting and shold be edited as well, good point.

@Caffeinedive: Come to think about it, maybe my ADD is responsible for my nitpicking of porn. Then again, my ADD is responsible for a lot..lol

Jules said...

I swear, I was going to make a similiar post at my blog but you beat me to it. Granted, mine was titled"Why do porno's need a story line?" and was going to be a poorly written rant about just that.

Anyway, the porno's I hate the most are the ones found on cable, like Showtimes late night abortions. I mean, I want to see something going on, not the illusion of sex. I want to see the girls guts and then the pearl necklace, not the chick kissing the guys chest. And mostly, why do I have to see the girl "act"? The only time she should open her mouth is to be filled. End of story.

I'll stick to my lone, dusty Hustler sampler DVD... at least there ain't any non-sense to deal with. Just girls being naked and stuffed. And maybe wearing some type of elaborate costume...

Amadeo said...

I dug the Mr. Marcus and Superhead joint. I never saw or heard a camera man and the only backstory was we're going to fuck. Sweet and simple...plus I learned how she got that nickname.

Wesley said...

You know whats more annoying? Theme porn. Bangbus has to be the most retarded porn ideas ever. "Dur duh duh we just fucked that random ass chick and drove off without having to pay her Der der der" All the story I need from a porn is the chick to come in and get to bussiness. I mean damn my left hand doesn't need to be tired from pushing the goddamn fast foward button.

crallspace said...

Wes, Bangbros have gone down hill. I agree.

ALL their trailers suck now! And yes, their theme is retarded.

HC, where you been?

How about the porn stars who you can watch devolve over time? There is this one in particular who has aged miserably. She used to be hot, but now looks like a used up hag.

Do you like August? She has short, brown hair, a semi-pointy face. Somethin about her...

Wesley said...

Sophie Dee is real fucking cute to me. Also I dunno why but I kinda dig Amber Rayne she's not the most attractive chicks out there but she's got lots of attitude and personality. Also Thanks HC for showing me that site. No I have even one more source for free porn.(Not that I ever payed for porn in the first place ;-) )

Anonymous said...

totally agree w/ the camerman issue, i hate that. i saw one where the cameraman was chastizing a girl because she dodged the ejaculate rather than gulping it down. it was ridiculous....

and i'll have to disagree on the the guy close-ups...straight women watch porn too, and we like to see the guys reactions...;-)

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