It has been 5 years since my last long term relationship, the years following have been spent fucking B-teamers, late-night grind buddies, and women who know its time for them to leave my residence as soon as U.S Currency hits the night stand. But since I feel that I have exercised my demons like Mary J Blige does with each album release, I recently came to the conclusion that it's time for me to enter the dating game once again. I mean, I feel that I have matured to the point that I might care if my partner didn't climax, I might even call her the next day to let her know that I didn't view her as my personal fuck toy. I'm more patient, caring, considerate, and I have finally mastered the art of opening doors for broads. Lastly I have made peace with my ex, her and I are even friendly to the point that she is my myspace friend, so you can just imagine the utter joy that rushes over my body as I go to said page and see pictures of her and her husband in poses of wedded bliss.(God is a real funny dude)
So, based on my new found confidence after shedding a few pounds and being able to see my entire dick again, I was able to talk 2 women into letting me buy them food and be their chauffeur for a night, hopefully resulting in me washing my dick in their sink at some point. Unfortunately I wasn't able to become intimately acquainted with any of my dates "roast beef corridor" as my father used to say, not because the opportunity wasn't there, but because these chicks irritated the fuck out of me. Here's how it went.
Date 1: The Young Chick: The first date was this chick who is 10 years my junior, usually I would reject dating someone that young but she had wisdom beyond her years, had a very sharp wit, and her breasts looked like two midgets trying to escape from a penitentiary or some shit. I picked her up, we had some decent conversation in the car, then she asked me "HumanityCritic, what are your intentions?? Where do you want this to go?" I paused, thought about it a few seconds, turned to her and said "I'd like to buy you the most inexpensive meal possible, fill your healthy liver full of alcoholic beverages, and based on your age I can see me fucking you like a wild fucking animal under your Lil Bow Wow poster.." Even though she laughed hysterically and said "You ain't got no sense boy!", little did she know I was dead ass serious. As soon as we got to the restaurant her phone kept ringing, and ringing, and ringing. I could respect if she looked to see who it was, weighed the importance of said call in her head, then put her phone away respectfully. Not this chick, she answered every single call and most of the conversations were of the unimportant "hey girl... Yeah, I saw flavor of love.." variety. Seriously, after like 14 calls I was getting pissed, so when the 15th call came I assumed it was her homegirl again so I said, "What does that bitch want?? Doesn't she know that you're on a date?? Where is her class??" Unfortunately it was her mother, but that didn't end the date at all. When the date was winding down and I was trying to talk her Lane Bryant's off in her house, HER PHONE KEPT RINGING. I guess I could have fucked her on her Strawberry Shortcake sheets, using her Teddy Bears to place under her stomach for better traction, as I tap that bumper like a minor car accident, trying to not lose my erection by all the posters of usher on the wall. But a clearer image of the future dominated my mind, I suddenly pictured myself thrusting on her with all the might a black guy with an undersized penis could, her talking on the phone, unaffected by the ramming and the dreadlocks in her face. So yeah, lets just say that I left her residence with a serious case of "Smurf Nuts".
Date 2: The Crazy Chick: Maybe this is a guy thing, but when it comes to certain ex's you forget why you broke up with them in the first place. I guess it's all the years of bong hits that affected my memory, or the sperm back up that has me thinking with another "head", but I had truly forgotten why me and this chick named Rosa never worked out. She was smart, fun to be around, didn't have a gag reflex to speak of, and I distinctly remember her saying "If you make me climax I'll cook you some cheese eggs" mid-coitus, that's motivation like a motherfucker. So I decided to give Rosa a call and we went out recently, a night that I'm doing my best to forget. Immediately I recall how neurotic she is because she kept saying, "If we are going to do this we have to pretend this is brand new, you don't call me an ex and I won't call you an ex. Deal??" I shrugged and said, "Ok, what do you call me then, "The Artist Formerly Blown As??" When she didn't laugh I suddenly remembered that she wasn't fun to be around at all, the rest of the date would prove that to me. Besides her trying to order my food for me and evil eying every waitresses that she felt was flirting with me, she told me that she has joined this religious group(see cult) and that she wanted me to join. If any feeling of me still dating her remained, all of that was erased when she told me about her marriage plans for her and I and how she drives past my house at least 3 times a week. Despite all her craziness I still wanted to, and I quote the great poet Ice Cube, "knock those books from here to Albuquerque" and "wax that ass like rain dance" Let me tell you, nothing decreases the size of your penis like hearing a girl say, in the middle of making out no less, "I shouldn't be telling you this, but I feel like you are going to be the last guy I ever have sex with. I love you HC!!" I was out of there faster than Shaq at a spelling Bee.
*Stay Tuned next week with recaps of 2 more dates*