This actor friend that I've known a few years asked me the other day, "HumanityCritic, would you be my bodyguard??" I paused a few beats and said, "Bodyguard??? What makes you think that I'd be qualified for such a position? Plus, you aren't important yet to guard.." He responded with, "First, fuck you! Second, I just feel based on me seeing you in action that you would be the best choice!" "The best choice??" I asked, "You have seen me curse a few dudes out and chop a couple of them in the throat, that isn't exactly secret service experience!!" He was silent for a few minutes like he was disappointed, then I said "Listen dude, whenever people put their lives in my hands the results were always disastrous and I wouldn't want to see you get hurt. Plus, if an armed man approached you I won't shield you from the onslaught, I would use you as a shield from the onslaught!!" After I hung up the phone with him I thought of all the easy money and all the residual ass that I was turning down, but I comforted myself with the thought of me saving my friends life by not taking the job. It's just that I have a shabby history when it comes to people putting their lives in my hands, here are a few examples..
Don't drown around me: A couple of years ago it would surprise many of you that I was a whore, I dated an older women merely because she gave me free shit in exchange for my undersized penis. For one thing she wasn't "Golden Girls" old just older than me, and it's not like she left money on the nightstand after I clumsily ejaculated on top of her either. She just had a mansion and personal chefs at her disposal, so I figured that random intercourse along with the other perks were too much to pass up. Anyway, when we were both sipping some wine at the end of a dock that was being her house, her non swimming ass fell in. As she splashed around violently like Rosie O'Donnel doing the backstroke, I paused for a few moments because I realized that I wasn't the best swimming in the world. I finally jumped in and attempted to save her, but because of her moving around violently and my lack of swimming skills, we were both going down like a hooker on pay day. Right when I got to that "fuck this, I'm going to let this broad go and save myself" point, this 14 year old girl came out of no where and saved my "sugar-momma". I guess based on the fact that I wasn't her knight and shining armor and attempted to save myself, that "relationship" quickly ended soon after that. Which is sad because I dearly miss pre-ejaculating on silk sheets.
Don't choke around me: I never claimed to know the heimlich, so when a woman started choking on a steak while I was at her house I didn't know what in the fuck to do. As she gasped for air I started to think about all the sitcoms I'd ever seen when a person was choking, so I quickly got behind her and tried to imitate the manuever I had seen about a dozen times before. Looking back, maybe it was inappropriate of me to get aroused when her backside was rubbing against my crotch, with her choking and all. Anyway, nothing was happening so I decided to try some new strategies. That's when I backed up a few paces, ran towards her, and gave her a flying karate kick in her back. She looked at me awkwardly while turning blue and I screamed "Trust me!", so I backed up again, ran towards her and kicked her in the back with a well placed flying kick. As it turns out the kick didn't get that piece if food out of her throat, it was the impact of her falling to the ground after said kick that did the trick. Even though I feel that I saved her life, it took a couple of days of begging and pleading for her not to file assault charges against me. I guess I didn't make things better when I said, "Come on, don't let one piece of undigested meat caught in your throat stop me form putting my undigested meat down your throat!"
Don't ask me for a Kidney: Dude, just don't ask me.. I mean, a few of my friends have needed organs and I have gone through the proper steps to see if I was a correct match or not, even though I knew I would never go through with it in the end. I was lucky that a few of the instances I wasn't the right match anyways, so I came across looking like a good friend that would do anything for a pal. But one time I was the perfect match, which scared the absolute piss out of me. After weeks of trying to mask my utter fear, telling my friend "What if I need that kidney, you know I'm an alcoholic!!", and other acts of cowardice that I'm ashamed of now, my friend called me one day and said "We found another donor, so you can stop being a bitch now!!" I never thought being called a bitch could sound so sweet..
Don't ask me to drive you to the hospital: When a friend of mine started to go into labor right in front of me, of course the natural reaction for me was to take her to the hospital. The problem was, even though I've lived in Virginia Beach since 1979 and can tell you were all the weed spots and ghetto eatery's are, I was so nervous that I got lost on the way to the hospital. A trip that that would normally take me 5 minutes took me a half hour, all the while my friend in the backseat is yelling "I thought you were from here!! Ahhhhhh!" When I got there and alerted the staff of the state of my friend, they quickly and safely got her to a delivery room. When I told one of the nurses that it took us 30 minutes to get there, she asked me "Where did you come from?" When I told her she grimaced and said, "Good lord man, that is like a couple of miles away?? Did you stop and get snacks on the way?"