Wednesday, September 06, 2006

My Hip Hop Idiosyncratic Routine

I guess my moral barometer has always been a bit off, because as a kid I took great pleasure in always fucking with the old homeless guy who hung out in front of the convenience store by my house. Looking back I'm ashamed at my actions but I used to do shit like tying a string to a dollar and watching the old guy chase it with great determination, I'd ask him why he smelled like a whore's crotch even though I was a virgin at the time and wasn't lucky enough to have had said experience, I'd throw lit M-80's in his living quarters, and a plethora of other shit that will probably stop me from getting into heaven one day. But the one thing that I joked him about, besides him smelling like a thousand miles of dead asses and his cardboard living room, was the fact that he would not only talk to himself occasionally but he would answer you in old school R&B song form. If you asked him what kind of firearm the criminal had who robbed the store he would sing that Junior Walker song "Shotgun!!!", the one time when he was getting ruffed up by a couple of thugs he screamed out that Fontella Bass song "Rescue me", and if an employee at the convenience store found themselves on the business end of a firing they could find themselves being ushered out to Ray Charles' "Hit the Road, Jack". Ever since then, whether it is a cop pulling me over for some bullshit reason, a girlfriend who's nagging me for being a shitty boyfriend, or some random piece of ass that suddenly wants to cuddle post coitus, I find myself saying "Your motherfucking ass is crazier than homeless Harry! Make me a goddamn sandwich!!"(Granted, the cop did look at me funny..)

Besides the fact that I had a one night stand on my birthday with a stripper who's name sounded like a vocal exercise that stroke survivors are put through(Dreejahjay), her forcing me to endure a Keisha Cole album while I drunkenly entered her person, and the fact that I am still picking stripper glitter off of my cock, I have other things to worry about to be quite honest. See over the past few months, based on me spouting Hip Hop quotes randomly at the most inopportune times, I had to finally except the fact that I have become a Hip Hop version of that bum I used to torment as a kid. No, I don't smell like an aged cheese steak hoagie and I don't live in a cardboard mansion, even though we both have offering to eat a chick out for a hot meal in common. I realized that I do the same thing Harry did, in serious conversations I tend to answer people in Hip Hop quotables, a habit that makes my friends think that I am a couple steps away from straight jackets, padded rooms, and smearing my own feces against the wall attempting a new form of graffiti. Damn, maybe Harry wasn't crazy at all, maybe he was just an avid music listener.

A few months ago I was helping my friend who coaches a local little league team. As the kids were pushing and shoving each other trying to enter the batting cage, I blurted out: "I don't care who's first or who's last, but I know that y'all just better rock this at the drop of a dime baby!!" Marley Marl "The Symphony"

There are rare occasions, you know, like seeing Haley's comment, I have been known to bring a woman to climax. When this happens I sometimes stand up post coitus and scream,..: "I.. am the magnificent!!" accompanied with the me tapping my throat ala Biz. Biz Markie "Biz is Goin off"

I can get rather passionate when discussing topics like politics, religion, and the proper lubricants to use when entering a woman's "Naughty hole". Usually, when someone asks me "Why are you so hostile?", I hit them with...: "I've got a right to be hostile man, my people have been persecuted!!!" Public Enemy "Prophets of Rage"

Fellas, we all know the very moment when the feelings you have for a lady go from "a chick you drunkenly slide cock to", to "a woman that you will cuddle with after ejaculation". When I realize that I'm falling for a chick I look her deep in the eyes and say..: "Girl listen to me..when i be sitting in my room all alone, staring at the, fantasies they go through my mind and.." LL Cool J "I need love"

This is what I usually utter to some heartbroken friend of mine who's lady is getting her insides ripped out by a new male suitor...:"Cover your mouth because you almost choke, you see the Mailman's DICK way up your wife's THROAT!" Slick Rick "Treat Her Like A Prostitute"

I'm sorry, but I don't have love for any motherfucker in jail. A slew of black men have always been persecuted and jailed on bullshit charges, those brothers I will always fight for. But if you are guilty, fuck you on some "I'm not writting you so don't ask me" shit. So whenever a friend of mine is about to get "the poky" while he's in "the pokey", I usualy utter..: "But now I'm in jail doin life and I'm scared/
Some kids snuffed me cold and greased me where no one dared
" Slick Rick "The Moment I feared"

If I'm getting a lap-dance and the stripper in question has a mysterious odor, or if some woman comes up and orders me to buy her a drink, you can't sometimes here me say this..: "Scrub that ass and I'll still pass!!" Brand Nubian "Slow Down"

I think I should run a business for lesbians who have crushes on straight women, because no man has turned more chicks gay than me. I'm serious, at least 4 of my ex Girlfriends are now involved is relationships with women where the only cock you will find in their households comes with a receipt. So the other day, when my friend said that his girl was cheating on him with a girl, I just had to say..: "Next week, Mu hit me up, I saw Sharice at the kitty club/ With some banging ass Asian playin lay it down and lick me up What!?" Mos Def "Ms Fat Booty"

I had a fling who worked for UPS and she would come by after work and we would have "relations". I don't know, that brown uniform turned me on, so when I would hint for her to go down under like Australian lesbians, I'd say..:"Baby please, you work for UPS" Biz markie "Vapors"

Whenever someone who isn't gay is going on a lengthy anti-Bush diatribe, I usually utter this..: "Make you co-op-er-ate with the rhythm, that is what I give em
Reagan is the pres but I voted for shirley chilsholm
" Biz Markie "Nobody beats the Biz"

"You lack the minerals and vitamins irons and the niacin" is something that I say whenever someone who talks shit doesn't want to back it up, whether its a physical altercation, on the basketball court, or if its a chick who refuses to blow me in the back of a church. O.C "Times up"

On Big Daddy Kane's song "Set it off", regardless where I'm at, when I hear him say "So let's all sing the Big Daddy anthem!!" I put my hand over my heart like its the pledge of fucking allegiance. Big daddy Kane "Set it off"

I'm a geek and I love paintball, so what?? Anyway, I have an evil habit of continuing to shoot people after they have been "killed". It's pisses people off, and I'm sure they are bewildered when I say..:"It's like making a soldier drop his weapon /Shooting him, and telling him to get to steppin'" MF Doom "Strange Ways"

"I got this girl and she wants me to duke Her
I told her I'd come scoop her around 8, she said "Super!
" is what I say whenever I have fooled some innocent woman in becoming my new late-night piece of miscellaneous ass that I randomly visit. MF DOOM "Hoe Cakes"

There is this guy who frequents a bar that I go to who not only spreads his right wing agenda by mouth, but the bastard hands out leaflets and shit. Purely propaganda, so I find myself saying..:"I trip we box up crazy bitches aimin guns in all my baby pictures/ Beef with housin police, release scriptures that's maybe Hitler's" Nas "The world is yours"

This is something that I also say to a friend who's girlfriend is getting filled out like an application by a penis that isn't his..: "I was like yeah, shorty don't care, she a snake too/ fucking with the niggaz from that fake crew that hate you!" Nas "One Love"

Listen, to say that I like women with meat on their bones is an understatement. Contrary to what people who read my blog for seconds would have you to believe, I love women, and I want to celebrate them whenever possible. That's why, in an ultimate act of support, if a big girl is riding me I can be found saying shit like "Ahhh.. Ya Bad Chubbs!!" If she is secure in the fact that I meant it positively and she is a Hip Hop fan Chubb Rock its all good, otherwise she'll probably be offended. Chubb Rock "Ya Bad Chubbs"

I'm a bastard, I know that, but I have inside jokes for the sole purpose of making me laugh. That's why whenever I'm messing with a chick who lives in an extremely bad neighborhood, or her apartment is kind of fucked up, I'll say..: "I don't bang I write the good rhymes/ The whole scenery reminded me of good times!!" The woman usually looks at me funny while I giggle like a school girl for a few minutes. Ice Cube "Once upon a time in the projects"


Sankofa said...

As a woman who still has her dignity, I HATE the word "bitch".
But I am sure those who have said it to me did not realize the depth of my distaste since I usually break into Latifah.."Who you callin' a bitch! U-N-I-T-YYYYY" LOL...great post SDW.

The Humanity Critic said...

@ Sankofa: I like Latifah despite the rumors, I think the titties put a spell on me.

benhameen said...

classic my peeps say I have hip hop tourettes. The other day my peeps while watching Star Trek and the Klingons ship was getting blasted by two ships, my boy came with Hitting you from every angle right as it blew up.

benhameen said...

man i got a million

Coltrane Jenkins said...

Great post... here are five quotes that I find myself saying (or what I used to say before I was married)...

Whenever I hear about an athlete going to jail:
"Used to be the Don Juan, Now your name is just Twan."
-Ice Cube, "Check Yourself (Remix)"

Whenever I got a rejection at a club or party from a girl:
"Go ahead and keep your drawers, Giving up the claps and who needs applause"
- Ice Cube, Check Yourself (Remix)

When I was in college and my car would break down:
"Riding on the train with no dough sucks"
- Phife Dawg, "Buggin Out"

Whenever I met someone with super stank breath:
"RRRRRROAW RRRRRRROAW like a dungeon dragon"
- Busta Rhymes, "Scenario"

Whenever I see Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton on teveision:
“Let's stick together and overcome, But they don't feel like marchin cuz they shoes is overrun. Ain't that a b*!!”
- Big Boi, “Millennium”

CaffeineDiva said...

ok... this must mean that I am 3 kinds of crazy. Because I quote songs, movies and TV shows!
So Homeless Harry probably has nothing on the likes of me.
Thank God I smell good and have a home... folks just think I'm "quirky".

Peach said...

you know you're not the first blogger to completely look over me...but im sure i know why that happens to me so offten

Luke Cage said...

I loved this man. It was almost like the perfect amalgam of your quotes with quotes from some of the finest hip hop of yesteryear. For the exception of Ice Cubes' quotes, I recognize all of these lines and tugged a brotha back. "Scrub that ass and I'll still pass!!" - I'm feeling that mannn!


MF Doom was and will always be one of the wackest emcees to ever touch the mic, that said, wonderful post!!!! I'll be back!

Peabo DeBarge said...

man, i thought i was the only one who suffered from spouting off random movie & hip hop lines. i do it daily.