Yeah, THAT can get your ass whipped.

Now that I'm getting older, and the fact that I haven't had any reason to tell my friends any heart-felt "..after I was raped in jail he made me tie my shirt in the front and speak like Marilyn Monroe" stories, I know I will reap the benefits if I calm my black ass down considerably. It's just that I feel that my days of avoiding lengthy dirt-naps and chances to get muscular while converting to Islam are coming to an end if I continue to think that violence is the only answer. As much as I tell myself that there are more civil ways to end a dispute, that I'm an adult who should carry himself with a bit of class and decorum, nothing shuts a motherfucker up faster than chopping him in the throat mid sentence. Violence just works man, I guess that's one of the things that I hate about blogging, people are allowed to talk shit about you without having their head split wide open as your witty retort.(Even though I once planned to befriend a blogger who at one time talked shit about me and schedule a "blogger meet up". I'd arrive there and as soon as he extended his hand I'd go, "Remember that post you did in Sept 05 when you referenced me motherfucker?(throwing hands up) What's up now???" Then I would proceed to bludgeon that bastard with his fucking laptop. Yes, I have played this out in my mind a few times.)

But as I get older and notice the plethora of gray hairs on my testicles, talk about rappers that younger adults never heard of, and as I'm beginning to recognize my own mortality I understand that I can't punch people for any old reason. No more jabbing innocent dudes in the face just on the strength of some disgruntled broad saying "I'm going to get my boyfriend!!", No more threatening to make people who are Lil Wayne fans "eat jabs all night", no more chopping any man in the throat who puts Tupac or Biggie above Rakim on their all time Greatest MC list. Don't get it twisted though, I won't be taking long walks with the Dali Lama while discussing Ghandi any time soon, I will always be down to put some garden variety douche-bag on the business end of a beating. The difference is that I will try my damnedest from now on to make any punch that I throw be because the person legitimately deserved it. Here are a few instances where I think beating someones ass is acceptable..

If someone disrespects your woman: Listen, I'm the last motherfucker in the world you would see defending the honor of a woman that I'm dating. Not saying that I'm against it, its just the types of females that I've dated have been of the "practice vagina" variety, so you could regularly see me ask my date "Well, what did you do?" after she claims that some guy called her a "bitch". But one area that I believe that a beat-down is in order, regardless if you are out with your wife or a prostitute you plan on covering with Jell-O later, is the "when you get back from the restroom and a guy is talking to your date" scenario. I'm civil, so if I see a guy talking to my lady-friend and she is visibly annoyed I will respectfully say, "Hey dude, this is my lady." Usually the guy will say something like "my bad", look like a pair of tits, and squirm away like the vermin that he is. But sometimes, on those special occasions, the guy will actually grow a pair and say "So what?? I'm talking to her now!!" In this instance I feel that you are in your right to not only smash a bottle over his head, brain him with the table, and kick him repeatedly as your dates joins in like Joe Pesci in "Goodfellas" and shit, even snatch his chain and piss on him for good measure.

If someone hurts your child: I'm not a parent which is probably a good thing because I feel that the mere existence of a mini HumanityCritic would provoke more beat-downs than someone stepping on your new shell-toes. I'm scared to spread my demon-seed to be totally honest, because any person who hurts my kid would be on the business end of my chubby pre-ejaculating wrath. If the football coach screams at my kid, I'd approach him while pounding my fists on some "You better watch your tone when addressing my kid" shit. If some other adult finds themselves having to discipline my kid by striking them, I would find the culprit in question, tie them to a light pole, as me and my child would lace that miserable son of a bitch with nothing but kidney punches.


If someone owes you money: Nowadays if I give someone money I tell them they don't have to pay it back, not because I'm a sucker but because I don't want to have to beat their ass publicly. I'm saying, if you lend someone some money and they have an inability to pay you back because of their deplorable financial state, then I understand that. But if you lend someone some money and they claim they can't pay you back immediately, even though that bastard just bought a new car, clothes, and he's able to pay off bar bill's close to the gross national debt, that motherfucker needs to have his ass whipped. Besides it not being the right thing to do, it seems that them not paying you even though they have a few new toys for themselves is like them saying "What??? What are you going to do about it??" So, once you realize that you will never see your money again, beat their ass as soon as humanly possible. You will feel better, plus you can go through their pockets and take whatever is in their wallet, you might get paid back after all.

If someone puts their hands on you: This is a no brainer, if you feel that you are being threatened proceed to dispatch the would be dispatchers. Just don't be like me and try to to get people to assault you so later you can be guilt free as you try to see how far an Adidas sneaker can go inside someones rectum. Shameless attempts include me saying things like, "Dude, I'm not trying to fight you. Now if you pushed me, THEN I'd fight you!", or acting like I have turrets so they will jump and throw an ill advised punch.

If someone disrespects your mother: I'm not talking about "mother jokes" either, if I got upset at every unsavory product of inbreeding who said something unkind about my mother online, I'd spend my hooker and weed money travelling around the country, strangling cowards to death with their mouse cord. I'm talking about up close and personal disrespect, so if you ever feel that the woman that pushed your miserable ass out of your body is being disrespected by some random jackass, beat their ass. Unlike the other examples, you are allowed to threaten people for all kinds of reasons when it comes to your mother. If the woman at the check-out counter gets smart with your mother threaten to drag her silly ass around the parking lot by her weave(I'd never harm a female), if some old man gives your mother a very sexually harassing remark punch his old ass before he gets to the end of said sentence, if some lady cursed your mother for some random reason just begin beating her husband or her teenage son as punishment for said offense. Man, I really love my moms..

..and a few miscellaneous reasons: Ok, if I plan to be a better citizen, can't I have a few guilty pleasure beat-downs? Can I throat-chop the plethora of bastards who want to bombard my ears with "Tupac was the best rapper ever" diatribes? Can I punch people in the chest that want to tell me that Hip Hop isn't dead, even though they have the worst examples of the art-form on their blogs and on their myspace pages? Can I backhand Kobe haters, you know the ones who want to clumsily claim that he "broke up the dynasty" and that he is the "reason Shaq left", when they ignore that Shaq is as guilty as anyone in that equation?? How about chicks that won't reciprocate oral?? No, I don't condone hurting women, I'm asking you ladies, "What's up with that?"