Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Live at the Buffet..

I'm really not an arrogant person, I actually have a considerable amount of low self esteem running through my veins on a daily basis. I'm not cocky about this blog because for one it brings in no revenue whatsoever and there are so many talented scribes out there who can write circles around me any time they want. I'm insecure about my penis size based on me being hung like a thimble and me humming the "Smurfs" theme can't be the most attractive thing in the world to future female suitors. But one area that I'm confident in, one fact that I would willing to bet my life savings on, is that my mother is motherfucking better than yours. Granted, while I'm sure that many of your mother's are possibly the most miserable winches to walk the face of the earth, I'm sure a few of you have mothers that would be eligible to take my mom's "best mother ever" title. But let me give you a brief resume of my dear mother to crush the competition. 1)Like all mother's she has always had my back. 2)Without being coached, she said "Rakim is the best rapper I've heard so far" 3)When watching an interview with Lil Kim she said, "Can you really call yourself an MC if you don't write your own lyrics?" 4)When me and my friends were kicking lame mother jokes in front of her years ago she said "HC, he's right, I really don't know who your father is..." and 5)She knows about half of Kool G Rap's verse in "The Symphony"

Suffice it to say that I take every opportunity to hang with my mother, so when she asked me to go to this buffet with her and her friend of course I accepted her invitation. While we were there I realized that I'm never going to a buffet again, no my mother didn't embarrass me again by telling her friend that I wet the bed until the age of 19, but the people who frequent buffets should be publicly tortured somewhere. Besides going south of the border of a waistline tattoo that this chick Maritza had saying "All you can eat", I'm never going to a buffet ever again. Here are a few reasons why.,.

I hate people: The reason that I have only had a handful of friends is because I have a genuine dislike for people in general. I swear, take away two of my friends and I would be a bona fide recluse, only leaving the house to get some fresh air and to pay for some inappropriate piece of deviant sex. People bug me, and like the bowel movement of the "Invisible man", you can see through their shit immediately. So you can imagine the agony I was feeling as I was surrounded by at least 200 strangers with nothing but sloth and gluttony on their collective minds. But mostly it was the conversations that would irritate me the most, I wasn't trying to eavesdrop or anything, but the verbal drivel penetrated my ears in a Rakim "weak ideas irritate my ears" sort of way. I heard ridiculous conversations ranging from the "comedic genius of Mo'nique", the legendary status of Lil Wayne, a woman trying to convince her friends that even though she fucked a son and a father the same week that she isn't a "ho", and a million other asinine conversations that would make a sane person go completely bat-shit

Lady, get your fucking kid!!!: Would it come across as harsh if I say that I have a utter distaste for any human being under the age of 12?? Ok, let me revise, I only hate children that aren't mine, is that better?? Wait a minute, since I have yet to find a woman to enable me to spread my demon-seed, I guess that makes me a serial hater of kids, especially the bad ones. Going to a buffet is the biggest form of birth control imaginable, witnessing delinquent parents chomping away as their children with the mark of the best on their skulls cause total mayhem, pissing off everyone within a 20 foot radius. This one kid came up and started tugging my hair so I glanced at his parents with a "get your fucking kid" look. When they didn't respond and looked at me in a "isn't he cute" glare, I open hand mushed the kid and said "Get the fuck off of me motherfucker!!" That's right, I'm not for child abuse, but I will mush the fuck out of a kid.

I'm a Germaphobe: When it dawned on me that I would be eating with a couple of hundred of people, people who probably haven't washed their hands since the last episode of "Seinfeld" and who's body's are virtual germ farms, it surprised me that I ate anything at all. But it did cause me to have one of those monk moments as I said to myself: ["Ok, since I touched the food tongs that other people touched I have to wash my hands again. Ok, I'm putting my food on the table..I'm going to the bathroom and opening the door with the bottom of my shirt..I'm grabbing a napkin and using it to put soap in my hand and start the tap water...I'm washing my hands vigorously..Use same napkin to push the air dryer button. I leave the bathroom, again using the bottom of my shirt to open the door.. I sit in my chair, grab the sides and scoot up a foot or two. Wait a minute, who says my chair is sanitary???!"] Fuck!

People are fucking savages: Going to the buffet with my mother this past weekend was like witnessing a riot with food, it was like the book "Lord of the Flies" if it had a few more black folks and a buffet tray. I swear man, people are bloody savages, acting like they haven't had a warm cooked meal in ages. As this one lady piled 8 crab-leg claws on her plate I had to remind her, "You know they restock that and you can come back for more, fucking savage!!" The way people pushed and shoved to get to a certain spot in line, I felt like I was Charles Barkley in his heyday, boxing out like a motherfucker in the low post just to secure my spot.

11 comments:

jali said...

I can't eat a lot at one sitting so buffets just ain't my thing.

I've been in the past, and I get disgusted by all the greed and waste. I hate other people's children too.

Congrats on the awards - yes, I did vote.

Amadeo said...

I used to work at a Buffet and then I would only eat when people I was cool with cooked. Don't think I could go to one now.

I love kids especially after I teach them the duct tape game. All you need is a kid, a wall and some duct tape.

Peach said...

I took my son to chuck-e-cheeze for the first time...that will be the last time...even as a mother i looked around at all these bad ass kids and wanted to bust some heads!!! i will never go back.

Twixie said...

honestly people don't need to eat "all they can eat"... that thought turns people into savages.

Twixie said...

people don't need to be eating all they can eat... that's why I can't stand buffets cuz it always feels like you gotta eat your money's worth.

jameil1922 said...

we are so HERE. i f-ing hate buffets and i got that from my beloved mother. she's a germophobe and only likes kids that are hers/not bad too. little brats. she actually likes more kids than i do. i will be like if you can't control your kids and have a problem w/me saying something to them, get them the FUCK away from me.

i went to only ONE buffet where i felt kind of ok being there. that's b/c the food was being constantly replenished greatly diminishing the likelihood of being sneezed over and generally manhandled. but i still ain't making that shit a habit.

Clarence said...

Dag, people who can't control their seed need to get gut-checked with the quickness. I've been to so many functions where Bebe's cousins are running around like they can't get some act right. What can you do? It starts with the parents? You can tell who hasn't got the switch, though, right? :) Kids runnin' around actin' a bonafide mess? Parents, GUARD YO GRILL!

SAILOR MOON said...

I swear to God that I was laughing my ass off at work readin this shit. LOL This sounds like a day out with my facking sister n law. The lady has six kids (n shes only 32, started poppin em out at 16!!)And it's just ridiculous -- She is the reason why I refuse to reproduce any of my offspring. Worse part about them, all of them are boys. Lil bastards runnin all over the damn place, fighting and arguing or playin "lets see what super glue does to Auntie kikimia shoes" Fackers....
As for the germ thing....I am constantly worring about that shit. I actually carry Clorox wipies! My friends make fun of me about my germafobia. Everytime I walk in a room they yell "SOMEBODY OPEN A WINDOW!!" Ssee,, I kinda have this thing about people sneezing around me - I think its disgusting, and when I read that the germs you spew out travel like 200 ft all around you, I got really crazy. So whenever anyone is with me in a car or something I yell OPEN A WINDOWWWWWWWWWW!!! Or if they sneeze near me, I cover my nose n mouth.....just sayin...
And yes, I voted for you to win! WOO hooo !!
Have a great day, love your blog. You never cease to amaze me!
kikimia

LaKisha said...

You are what I'd call "Monkish." (as am I).

And no, IT IS NOT SAFE to eat at buffets, those tongs CAN spread germs. Trust me, you'll thank me later.

lyre said...

Not to mention that it is probably healthier to eat at home. You could have cooked a buffet for Mama!

Bk_red said...

for the most part, buffets are some nasty shit. anything that is all-you-can-eat is definitely wasted on me. recently i was on a 2 1/2 hour flight, seated next to a 300+ lb woman. besides the fact that one of her thighs was taking up nearly half of my seat, homegirl needed a seatbeat EXTENSION. that is just ri-goddamn-diculous. i bet she's spent a great deal of time in buffets during her life.