Wednesday, September 27, 2006

This sounds bad, but I keep my friends segregated..

You would think that me of all people, the son of a man that constantly retold various accounts of seeing lifeless bodies swinging from trees and other forms of brutality in the name of racism in South Carolina during the 40's and 50's, you'd think that I'd be the last motherfucker on earth that would support segregation of any kind. I thought so too, I mean I'm a pretty progressive guy, what do I care if two guys want to check each others prostate with their cocks and then finalize it with a marriage? Since I have openly suggested that a few of my ex-girlfriend's get boob jobs and then got slapped for doing so, I now realize that I don't have any right to tell a woman what to do with her body. So yeah I'm your classic tree hugger in many respects, but when it comes to my friends I do believe in segregation. Like white people who want to get dreadlocks, please don't get it twisted, I don't separate my friends based on the color of their skin. I base it on the types of people that they are, and from experience and the few times that I have mixed them up and hearing open complaints that they were having a bad time, or fists fights that have broken out due to the complete lack of chemistry. Sure there are a few friends who can intermingle with any of the groups that I'm about to name, but for the most part I keep these groups of people separated like I'm Mills Lane and shit.

The Frat Boys: These are my drinking buddies, dudes who wouldn't find any moral objection to me punching a dude in the mouth for no apparent reason whatsoever, going home with a woman who's vagina was the inspiration for the movie "Outbreak", or finding the utter hilarity on me projectile vomiting on a woman who I'm giving my number to. I am a pretty sensitive guy who is myself around anyone, but going into a detail about the emotional roller-coaster of dealing with a break-up or the very personal feelings of wanting to be in love again will leave you with blank stares akin to asking Keisha Coles to find Australia on a globe. These are highly intelligent dudes so I'm not saying that their scope is limited, its just limited when we're going out on some "only talk about tits, fighting, the intricacies of giving a chick a facial, and drinking" shit. Yes, I'm part Frat Boy.

The Artsy Fartsy types: I'm a snob when it comes to what I like in music and film, so many people who I gravitate to either have the same level of snobbery that I do, or they have an agenda of hate that's unparalleled when it comes to people they think are sub-par in the area of rapping, acting, writing, or whatever. But beside the people like myself who openly think my tastes are better than yours, I also have a shitload of friends who either want the world to enjoy their hamfisted poetry or their cluster-fuck of verbal drivel.(like this blog) When I step outside of myself and hear the pretentious shit that we're talking about like what we think Langston Hughes was saying in a particular piece of writing, or the emotions that some jackass artist was trying to convey in one of his paintings, the Frat Boy in me shakes my head. Yes, I kind be Artsy-Fartsy.

The uber dorks: For those of you out there who have read my site for more than 5 minutes and not through some sloppy "look what this asshole said!" diss link, you know that my usage of the term "dork" isn't negative at all. It's true though, I have a slew of friends who can name the guy in charge of lights and the best boy of each one of the "Star Wars" flicks, can rattle off the specific comic book number of any story Superhero occurrence you question them about, and upon request they can speak fluent Klingon like they were a long lost relative of Spock himself. I guess the main reason that I don't mix this rag-tag bunch with any of my other friends is because I'd feel bad if they had to relive High School again based on the friends that I have who aren't as accepting as I am. Plus, if anyone gave them shit I would always be on their side to be totally honest. So yeah, I'm an uber dork.


Hip Hop heads aka Disgruntled Rappers:
Maybe my distaste for the current state of Hip Hop has to do with me being a disgruntled rapper who's dreams of seeing my name in lights never came true, so to feel better and get a good nights sleep I bash wordsmiths of the day based on my bitter jealousy. Or it could be, I don't know, that a large portion of the individuals who call themselves MC's nowadays couldn't make a dope beat if you hit them with a bass drum full of coke, and couldn't construct a decent simile if they were on the business end of a Dennis Miller ass raping. Anyway, I not only hang with a group of people who feel the same way about modern day Hip Hop as I do, but our favorite pastimes when together include booing wack rappers, debating our top 10 rappers of all time, and freestyle batting any motherfucker with a functioning pair of testicles and a rhyme book. I keep these bastards away from my other friends because any topic outside of old school Hip Hop would be met with a "who gives a fuck?!!!" So yes, I'm a disgruntled rapper.

Young Padawans: At the advanced age of 33, I have find myself being friendly with people a lot younger than myself. No, I'm not a pedophile, I'm talking about dudes around 10-12 years my junior. I know they see me as a crotchety old man who makes them laugh, even calling me "The Hip Hop Uncle Rico" based on how I constantly talk about the golden age of Hip Hop, but I figure that I will be the source of anyone's entertainment as long as those similac fucks are buying the drinks. Besides me being a very easy alcoholic, it makes me feel good that I've influenced these men in their early 20's so their tastes in Hip Hop are a lot more respectable than douche-bags at least 10 years their senior.

Females from the planet of "plantonica": Like most men who have platonic female friends, 95% of them became my friends only because they knew better than to let me stick my "black myth ruiner" inside her naughty orifices. Its cool though, and based on our accidental friendship I never go over the line by making sexual overtures, or drunk calling them and begging them to reconsider our status of "friendships". I'm certain that many of my female friends would get along with almost all of my other friends to be totally honest, but I don't let them mingle because I have a strict "If I'm not fucking them, none of you are either" policy.

15 comments:

Dawn Of The Dad said...

I've got a question for you HC and this is from of your white cracker readers, who is outside the US. (like OMG!)

Tell us master; how do you pronounce Pharoahe Monch properly?

My friend, who digs the P-man says Monch, like 'munch' but with an 'o'.

I prefer to think it would be tougher and more stylin' if it was pronounced like 'monk'.

Thank you sir.

Peach said...

I liked this post. I do the same thing with my friends, I have a few stuck up girlfriends, some wild ones, and some mean bitches that like to fight. They cant all get along together LOL

jameil1922 said...

who doesn't segregate their friends? lmao @"The Hip Hop Uncle Rico." hilarious. this janeane movie is always on oxygen i think it is and it makes me want to get online and tell you b/c who else would care? love the platonica rule. many of my male friends have isolated me from their friends for the same reason in the past. hahahahahaha. haters.

Mo! said...

I do this to. But i divorced myself from the frat boys a long time ago.

nosthegametoo said...

I have too wide a variety of friends. I have to agree, it's probably best to keep some of them apart.

You had me laughin with this.

fresh said...

dawn of the dad -- its pronounced like munch, with an 'o'. Pharaohe says his own name on Simon Says.

Poke Smot said...

I think we all do this. Especially considering my friends that I'll put into the hood category.

I'm going to show you just how much of a dork I am and I don't even like Star Trek... Spock was a Vulcan.

Stubie said...

I am so freaking glad that someone else pointed out the Vulcan/Klingon thing because I didn't want to have to do it first ;)

Jeff said...

Knowing HumanityCritic, he probably did that so the nerds would out themselves..lol

Bk_red said...

I wholeheartedly support friend segregagation. I have one friend who is as down as 4 flat tires to me, but I definitely can't bring her around some of my friends. She tends to do things like talk very candidly (a mile a minute) about subjects ranging from sex to weed... and back to sex. And while this usually amuses me, not everyone appreciates it. Plus not everyone gets her sense of humor.

Then I have my hippie/hipster type friends that party like rock stars, while some of my more urban friends have settled into their boring mid-late twenties lifestyles. Lucky me, I get to enjoy all of my different friends. My mom always said, "Variety is the spice of life!"

thephoenixnyc said...

Yes, its important not to "cross the streams" you only get incinerated by ectoplasmic explosions.

Found you through Neil. Cheers.

Dawn said...

"Black myth ruiner"...absolutely fabulous.

Luke Cage said...

Okay Dammit HC. I was going to blog something along the same lines as this post. And after carefully considering, I think I will march forward with it. With of course, your blessings my friend and a well placed link to this very post itself. I am so feeling this because not only do I feel it's good to do so, I would actually worry what would happen if some of my female friends got within vicinity of eachother. Mannn, that nonsense would not be good. So, stay tuned. I'll let you know when I post that dude. Enjoy your weekend money!

Leray said...

I just wanted to drop you a line, to let you know that reading your blog is one of my guilty pleasures...and that I have a teeny tiny crush on you.
Keep up the great writing.

somady said...

integration of certain friends can definitely be bad for everyone's health. i have one friend who refuses to adhere to this unwritten rule. so i've had to put her on time out many a time. she just doesn't get it for some reason. and she knows i only have a limited amount of restraint, so i just dont get it. i love the "hip hop uncle rico" line too. u gotta raise these kids up in the right way. the Platonica rule is spot on. i hang with mostly guys and one in particular is always bitching me out about not bringing girls around and hooking him up. wtf, like i'm his personal dating service. fuck that. and the bad thing is i might hook him up if he didn't fuck it up just at the introduction. those girls would be hatin on me after that.

stay insightful, i need u to validate the way i think. =)